Today was so, so hard. I'm sitting at the airport now at Charles de Gaulle (20:35h), waiting for my Vueling flight to Barcelona (I booked a ticket two days ago for 140 Euro... not ideal, but not terrible, right?), and only now don't feel like bursting into tears every few minutes.
I'd wanted to make a trip to the AllSaints Paris store in Etienne Marcel, and made it over there pretty easily from F-'s place in Republique. Like all the shops now, there were some big sales going on and I found this beautiful coat that I loved, but spent probably an hour debating whether to buy.
Am- had messaged me to see me before I left. I was angry with him because he couldn't take me to the Eiffel Tower this weekend, and I had stubbornly resigned on leaving Paris without seeing him. But he took the hour train into the city to Republique. Meanwhile, I was debating my outerwear needs and buying this stupid coat. I was so stupidly concentrated on this mundane thing, I didn't care to go meet him to spend these last hours together.
By the time I realized I really, truly wished to see my friend and would be devastated to leave without saying goodbye, it was too late. I tried to make it back to Republique but Am- had just gotten on a train home to start work.
It was one of the worst hours I've experienced in some time. I felt betrayed by myself - that I'd let a misguided sense of pride and a completely stupid and ridiculous interest in something so basely material (shopping for clothes) override something that is so important to me.
I had made this deal with myself already - I told myself that if I made it out of Solidays alive (long story....) I would remember what truly matters above all the other daily nonsense and noise. I had promised myself that I would let the people I love know I love them, and show them how much I love them. I had acknowledged that it is more important to give love than demand to receive it. And today I realized I really failed in carrying out this promise to myself.
Am- is one of the purest souls I've ever met and I'm truly going to miss him. God makes all things possible, and I resolve to learn and grow from this and get better and better about being honest with myself and everyone else.
And because I refuse to let such a terrible moment like this happen and not work to prevent it happening again, here are my resolutions moving forward:
- Remember that people are more important than things, and certainly more important than appearances.
- DON'T STUNT ON PEOPLE YOU CARE ABOUT. Today, part of me really didn't want to change my plans or go back and meet Am- because I thought it would make me feel, or make me seem like he was more important than my plans. But he was! So it shouldn't have mattered at all for me to go back and meet him, because at the end of the day that's what I really wanted anyway. Fuck what it seems. If two people are true and open with each other, you should never hide what it is you really want. Am- never does that.
Alright, I think I can begin to accept how this day went. I miss Paris so much already.
See you soon Barcelona,